Top ten things NO ONE told me about motherhood

Today is top ten tuesday...but you get a theme.


Because that's about all my brain can scrounge up for you right now.  And...well, lately I've felt like SOMEONE should have warned me about parenthood-isms....wouldn't have changed my mind...but you know, proper prior preperation prevents piss poor performance. 

Say that ten times fast.

1.  There would come a day that I'd be laying on a table in the middle of the room naked.  Totally naked.  With 5 people shining bright lights on my who-ha...and I wouldn't care one bit about the nakedness.

2.  You could be filled with so much love and angst and anger and frustration and pride all at the same time... like smashing unicorns, atom bombs, Rainbow Brite, and a j'hadist all in one small room and waiting for it to explode.  What an oxymoron of emotions.

3.  Brain.  What brain?  Yeah....that.  I can tell you that with every additional child, brain cells hide in teeny little forgotten corners of the brain.  And get eaten by dustbunnies.  They're gone.  Dead.  Meanwhile, I'm staring at the screen with eyes glazed over.

4.  Wearing spit up is not sexy...but that doesn't stop him. :)

5.  Sometimes all you need is a spoonfull of Nutella locked in the pantry for a quick pick-me-up.  Othertimes, you need some wine.  Occasionally, the entire bottle.  The good mommy friends will supply said bottle. (and bring one for themselves.  :)

6.  Yoga pants.  Wardrobe staple.  No judgement.

7.  May.  The month of May.  It's INSANE!  Worse that the Christmas season.  May is crazy.  Busy, crazy, insanity.  And the the last day of school comes, and you feel like someone slammed on the brakes so hard you have whip-lash.
8.  A mama protecting her young is instinctual and carnal.  Don't mess with the mamas.

9.  It is entirely possible to get 1.5 hours of sleep and still function the next day.  However, "function" may need an alternate defination.