The post that took me all summer to write.

*Disclaimer: This is NOT a judgement post.  This is just what's in my heart, for my life, for my family.  No judgement for anyone else who does their life differently.  M'k?  All righty then....on with it:


There's been a big change in our house lately.

So big, in fact, that it took me an entire summer to write.

I'm going back to my roots.

To who I am, who I want to be...and all that this entails.

I'm going to be a mom.

Wait....

"Sandy, you're already a mom," you say.

Yes, I am. 

But not the mom I wanted to be.

Flashback with me to about 7 years ago (well, 7 1/2, but who's counting?  Yeah...I totally am).  We had just recently(ish) moved into the Love Shack.  We spent all our easy cash on purchasing our house (for cash), redoing the entire septic field (cha-ching!), and building a pole barn. 

Our cash was lower than we needed to build the addition.  So, this opportunity comes along to work from home, and it was an answer to prayer.  A. took FANTASTIC 3.5 hour naps in the afternoon, and I could make calls during that time and write up reports after bedtime.  It was a great solution to get us from point A to point B.  We were so thankful.

C. was born approximately 32 weeks after I started the job.  (note the timing there?  yep...felt FANTASTIC during orientation...statement heavily laden with sarcasm...).  When C. arrived, he was a dream baby. 

No, really. 

Two weeks after C. was born, A. went to 5 day-per-week preschool, C. took a 2 hour morning nap.  When A. got home from school, he ate lunch and took a 3 hour nap...at the same time C. took another 2.5 hour nap. 

I was blessed. 

Great sleepers.  Bliss.  I got work done, I slept well at night, and I was showered daily.  Heaven.

As the boys grew...so did their demands. 

For my time. 

For my energy. 

For a lot. 

Financially demands grew too - tuition, health care premiums (thank you, Obamacare...seriously! But that's another topic for another post).  My income helped with premiums and tuition.  That's it.

In the meantime, I had two little boys who saw the back of my head more than they saw my face.  The stranger I was talking to on the phone was more important than the cut on their finger.  They were watching more TV than I wanted to admit.  Really....it was an insane amount.  My house was a mess, my realationships were slipping away because I was always choosing to work, things just weren't.....working.

But I didn't realize it.

I kept plugging away.  Earning my paycheck.

Here's also where I say:

I'll admit I'm not the best of employees.

Especially when I don't really feel passionately or even particularly enjoy what I'm going.

I am VERY right brained. 

VERY.

I have the ability to think logically.  I have the ability to make left-brained things work.

But it's like sanding wood against the grain:

You'll reach your desired outcome...it just may take more effort and friction.

This job?  Numbers.  Lots of numbers.  Entering numbers into a report to make sure they're placed under the right number codes.  Making sure the numbers entered matched other numbers...and more numbers.  I can do numbers...really I can.  I can MAKE it work... But, was I?

So, there were times I wondered how well I was doing.  Sometimes I knew I wasn't doing as much as I should have been, but without a specific quota, I had no idea.  Until you got yelled at, there was no way of knowing.  So, after a long discussion with my boss (5 years into employment) I had a quota.  As I struggled to achieve that every week, the stress continued to climb.

If I was working, I felt guilty for neglecting everything else.

If I was doing anything else, I felt guilty for not working.

It was a crazy cycle.

The guilt mounted, the unhappiness continued, the mess piled up.

Enter Baby L.

The adorable little cherub doesn't sleep.  I didn't realize how great I had it with the boys.  But now I have two boys that need my attention and a baby who never gives me a break.  I was maxed out on stress (a winning formula for those with adrenal fatigue) and dropping every ball I had in the air.  Every.single.one.  Including my work.

That's when the W-2 came in the mail.

I looked at that piece of paper.  It showed me how much I made in the past year.

Honestly, guys....

it was a pittance.

Granted, I took the last 2 months "off" for maternity...but seriously.

Seriously.

That's when it hit me "You're giving up your happiness...your time with your children...for THIS???"

I took a look around at my messy house.  My boys addicted to the TV.  My baby crying in the bouncy chair.

Was it worth it?

The answer was pretty clear.

I had a very candid conversation with my boss.  While I knew my job wasn't in direct danger, I knew that - with my priorities and my passions, it was only a matter of time.  Months, years...I wasn't sure.  But I knew that I wasn't going to continue down this path to find out.

It was no longer worth it.

Even if my salary doubled, it wasn't worth it.

I've wanted to be a mom since I was small. 

I was missing it.

I wasn't present.

I was there...physically, but everywhere else mentally.

I've got one chance while they're young.

One time.

So, I made a choice.  I turned in my notice.  I was asked to finish out my existing inventory...which ended up taking most of the summer.  (That's a long story in and of itself....).  Dave was VERY supportive, and when he came home and I informed him that "I quit my job today," his response was, "I hoped you'd reach that conclusion, but I wanted you to own the decision." 

And while I'm not little suzy-homemaker, my house isn't spotless, I'm not organized, my kids aren't perfect...I can tell you that we're getting there.  We're sacrificing things and those things are just that: things.  I'm no longer sacrificing time.  Time with my kids.  Time to be there to put bandaids on fresh cuts, to let them show me their new tricks on the jungle gym, time to pick apples, time to listen to their stories.  They see my face more now...and less of the back of my head.  Time to rock my baby...rock her calmly, and NOT wish she'd fall asleep fast so I could get some things done.  I have time to pick up my Bible and actually study it.  Study it on my own, study it with my friends, study it with my kids.

I can officially tell you right now:

I am a mom.

I am present.

I am here.

I am listening.

I am smiling.

I am purposeful.

I am passionate.

I am fulfilled.

I am grateful.

Ninety

There are just some amazingly special people in my life.


These people prove that sometimes....

....well, sometimes water is, indeed, thicker than blood.

My mom is a kindergarten teacher for a Lutheran school.

When she took her call to my home town, she met the two most amazing people.

Since her father passed away when she was young, and her mother was long-distance,

they were like surrogate parents to her.

He gave my mom away at my parent's wedding...

...when my mom was pregnant with my brother,

she asked them if we could call them grandma and grandpa.

"As long as they don't call me Bumpa." he said.

Guess what we ended up calling him...

(Hint:  Bumpa)

So, a few Sundays ago....

the whole family got together to celebrate 90 years of Bumpa.




(Sorry for blurriness....it was a LONG table full of "family members" and my zoom isn't that great)

A good time was had by all...especially the kiddos...at the cupcake table.  :)



So...what has 90 years of Bumpa taught me?

That grandfathers have a special place in heaven.

That a boisterous laugh is infectious.

That respect is amazing.

Scotch at the end of a long day is sometimes just what the Dr. ordered.

Honesty is always the best policy.

To name a few.  :)


I can't resist sharing this pic- it's too cute:




So, here's Great Grandma and Bumpa with all the littles:

Immediate family:

Extended family:

Full Hearts

Ten on Tuesday (in pictures)

1.  I think this little man is in the middle of a growth spurt.  The other night, he woke up crying uncontrollably.  Dave heard him walking around in their room....crying.  So, Dave went up and C. said he needed to go to the bathroom (while rummaging in the closet).  Dave guided him down the stairs and let him head to the back of the house alone.  Next thing, we hear the PANTRY door open.  While he didn't urinate in the pantry (thank goodness!), we got him to the bathroom just in time....still crying.  It wasn't until AFTER using the bathroom that he really woke up and stopped crying.  He cuddled with mom for a bit before dad took him back up to bed.  This morning?  He's literally beating himself up.  Falling, dropping things, running into everything.  Total klutz.  Growing?  Indeed.

2.  My bedroom is starting to look like a bad episode of Hoarders.    Hurry up, house...get done!

3.  As an aside, is there ever a good episode of Hoarders?  It's all sad, and usually showing signs of some sort of mental illness.  I just can't watch.  However, I'm living it....so, there's that.

4.  Also in reference to the above picture, I FINALLY found our new bedding! ( jammed in the FAR back corner)  I've been obsessively on the prowl for the past few months- bound and determined to find affordable good quality bedding before we move into our new room this fall.  I wanted it early so I could choose a non-beige color for our walls.  Yo....TJ Maxx is the place to go!  Actually, I checked a few smaller TJ Maxx's  in other areas....but the other day, I went into the large one near me.  They had 2 beautiful styles for me to choose from (the others were nice, just not my style) AND in the California King size!  Whoot!.  And since I have many dirty boys in my house (including my husband!), I went with the one that was less-white.  And it was $23 cheaper- meaning it fit into what was left of the envelopes for this month- PLUS enough to purchase a sweet accent pillow.  In one tiny trip to TJ Maxx, I decorated my bedroom- since Home Depot was right after that, I found the wall color, and already know what window treatments to use.  I LOVE it when rooms come together in 2 store trips!  EEEKKKKK!


5.  My sister-in-law read my post here where I complained about ugly feet and not having enough discretionary income to do a pedi.  She kindly offered my niece's pedi skills at our family get together on Friday night.  Wow....Emily DOES have skills!  I'm totally impressed.  All for free, I walked in with ugly feet, and walked out with pink/yellow ombre toe nails complete with glitter overlay and gemstone flowers on my big toes.  And she did it all over the course of like 15 minutes!  Seriously, I am impressed.  The picture below doesn't do them justice.  And also, you can see my feet are starting to swell.  Sad face.  But, thank you, EMILY!!!  I got to repay her at a baby shower on Saturday by doing a sideways french braid.  Fun things like that exchange with my niece make me SO excited to have a little girl! (Who will probably be bald until the age of 6....but whatever...)

7.  Guess what arrived in the mail today?!?!?!  My Cord Blood Donation Kit!  Looks like 3rd trimester is where all the action is, huh?  We had the kit with both boys, but weren't allowed to donate with C.  There was a placental abruption during delivery, and that is a deal-breaker.  However, A's cord was REALLY long (and around his neck once and shoulder once too), so we were able to get a GREAT harvest.  The nice thing is that since I'm already in their system, I got to bypass the 20 minute interview and go with the shortened 10 question list before they sent the kit.  Really, it's SO easy to donate cord blood!  It's painless, and totally free.  I strongly encourage anyone pregnant to consider it.

8.  This thing....this black plastic curtain.....has become the BANE of my existence.  I know, I know...it means there's progress on the house.  However, I can't see any progress, and it's in the MIDDLE of my KITCHEN!  There's approximately 12" between the kitchen table and refrigerator- which means I can't open my freezer door enough to open any drawers- rendering it useless.  In addition, the black curtain is covering 2/3 my dishwasher- which means it's a pain in the arse to load and unload (but provides a neat little pocket for me to crawl through to peek at the progress once in a while.)  In addition, Dave recently informed me that we've got a few more weeks- a month of this curtain.  He's going to keep it up while the insulators blow in insulation in the ceiling, and the painter sprays the primer.  :(  Sigh. (wiping tears away)

9.  On Friday night last weekend, we went to Matt's house to celebrate Dave's parent's 60th birthdays (one month apart) and 40th wedding anniversary.  Since all the grandkids were under one roof, we took the opportunity to get an updated Grands picture.  Let me tell ya....SEVEN kids all looking at the camera AND smiling is a modern-day miracle.  Kris (Matt's wife) and I had our cameras out, and I was just on continuous click mode....hoping for a good shot.  I got a few, but this one is my favorite!

10.  Then, Dave's parents got into the mix.  The kids were getting a little squirrely, but there's a few decent ones in there.  Note to self:  putting a 3 year old on the top of a slide and telling him NOT to slide is ill-advised.  Poor kid didn't know which end was up- he kept wanting to slide, but everyone told him to sit still and smile.  Next time the big boys get the top of the slide spot.  :)  AND next time, numbers EIGHT and NINE (our baby girl is nine) will be in the mix!

(Almost) Done

There's a lot half-finished lately at the PMD house.

We're

(almost) done. 

with a LOT of things.

For starters,

I'm (almost) done being pregnant!  Today is the first day of the third trimester! 

12 weeks to go!!!

Another thing, the Love Shack is just a little closer to being done today.

Drywall gets delivered!

Granted....we still have a LONG way to go before it's done

(i.e. hanging said drywall (tomorrow) , finishing it (Monday), trim work, priming, painting, and all the little things that go with finishing a room (or five)- light and plumbing fixtures, etc.)

BUT, we're a LOT closer to being done than we were 10 weeks ago.  :)

This is what my living room currently looks like:

If you've EVER lived through a drywall project, you'll understand why it's blocked off so well....and still, we'll be vacuuming that super fine dust out of couch cushions for the next decade.

But hey, it's (ALMOST) done!

And other (almosts):

A. is (almost) fully dressed for the day.

I'm (almost) fully done with our camping trip:

Laundry is clean and folded

She's been bathed (just this morning, but hey....it's done!  Hence the wet spots on the belly pic above):

The only thing left to do is take the clean linens out to the RV and give her a good scrub down and vacuum.

And one of my favorite (almosts):

I'm almost done making the dragonfly mobile for baby girl's room!

I saw a butterfly one on Pintrest, and thought I could do one to match our bedding.

My friend, Stephenie, came over last night for some crafting fun, and we got a good start.

Now, I just have a few things to do to finish it.

Which I'll probably get around to early next week.

But, since it's (almost) done, you get the gist!



(almost) done!

Hump Day

I have a pregnancy related post in mind for tomorrow,

and since miscellany works well for me,

I'm going to do it a day early.

Yes, with pictures.

I've been having more fun with my DSLR lately.

I love toying with it.  And light.  And my lenses.

I have my eye on a new pretty lens....but it's costly.  Sigh.

Here's some of my favorites from last Friday's field day:

More field day pictures:

The Sack race

This is just after the guy said "Go." 

The boys were taking their first steps over the line trying to figure out how to run in the sacks.

Boys are not necessarily graceful, and right after I shot this one, about half of the boys bit the dust.

A. took third in this race.

I was shocked for three reasons:

1.  I'm not athletically inclined, so the super competitive nature of these things and any winning is not in my blood.

2.  A. seems to have inherited my "not-so-graceful" gene.  However, he never fell once.

3.  My boy is huge for his age.  The fact that he can run in one of those small sacks and not fall is a feat within itself.

Look at the lady behind the line telling A. he's about to get third place.  :)

This is the long 200 m race.

You know, the one I told you about last week?

This is the start where he was to the far left of the runners.

They condensed them so fast that he got crammed into a pack and was tripped.

And got ran over by a few kids....but who's holding grudges?!?!?

ahem....anyway.

I'm just heartbroken for him.  He was really looking forward to this race.

Here he is after the final turn.

He's "kicking in his turbo-boosters." (his words)

He's in the top third.

He ran with integrity.

I'm proud of my son for his behavior that day (as opposed to other days....when I'm not so proud....).  He was a good sportsman, he competed with integrity, and while he placed twice, he never seemed crazy-winner boastful, and still cheered his friends on.  He even made friends with a boy from another school (who consequently beats all the boys at all the sports- which would cause me to despise him if I were competing against him).

Other than that:

• I had the chance to catch up with my dear friend, Karen, this morning.  Time flies with her.  I love chatting with her.

• This post from Michelle is one of my favorites.  It made me laugh out loud for a few reasons: #1- there are some conversations I recognize and #2 - I'm glad I'm not the only one who has crazy texting conversations.  :)

• I have a minor sunburn from Friday's field day.  And realized today I'm peeling.  This grosses me out.

• Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Blazing. Freezing. Hot. Cold. This is the current weather pattern in Michigan.  I honestly wouldn't be surprised if D. got called out to plow on the 4th of July.

• Our envelopes were short(er) this month.  I was seriously beating myself up trying to figure out where I messed up.  Then, I realized that we have 5 weeks this month.  Including two holidays (Mother's Day and Memorial Day).  And then I calmed down and am working on making rice and beans yummy until Friday.

• I have discovered the secret to keeping my puppy happy and quiet all day long: an empty peanut butter jar. (phone pic...sorry)

• I could use a nap.

• I could use a GNO.

• Summer break starts this Friday.  I'm both grateful and apprehensive.  I'm happy to spend more time with the boys, and I'm grateful to forget about the school schedule (and 2 hours spent a day in driving and extra $140 a month in gas and early mornings), but I'm apprehensive because I want to keep my productivity level high with work while not creating couch potatoes or having the boys killing each other.  Or me loosing my mind.  I'm hoping for an intentionally fun summer.

• I'm continuously amazed by how much allergies affect everything else.  Sleep, breathing, stomach woes, balance, ability to concentrate....

• And guess what arrived about a half hour ago:

DEMO DEMO DEMO!!!

Thursday Miscellany in pictures

Thursday Miscellany seems to work well for me.  :)

So, here we go!

Today was our last (ever) meeting with our Bright Beginnings lady, Miss Kathy.

We did a 5 year old Ages & Stages Questionnaire- and even though C. isn't quite 5 yet,

he passed with flying colors.

We won't be seeing her for #3 simply because there's a LONG waiting list of families waiting for home visits.

So, we're going to let her use her services on first-time families instead of us old-hats.

She and her husband have become regular customers of D's business, so we'll still see them around.

She gave C. a little see-ya later present.

We'll have lots of fun this summer fine-tuning our "listening ears."

Last night, C. and I finished planting our garden.

Back to front:

tomatoes, lettuce, eggplant, red bell peppers and bush beans.

Aside from the 1/2 quart of strawberries in the fridge, this is the only fresh fruit I have left in the house.

This is an emergency in my book!

Our finished concrete pad.

I cannot tell you how much cleaner the stairs (in inside the doorway!) are since this pad was installed on Saturday.

I can't wait until the entire driveway is done!

(Answer to your question:  4 years from now)

Ally waiting for me to return inside from taking the above picture.

She's a little Houdini who is getting off her chain.

She loves to run.

This is currently the bane of my existence.

She's lucky she's so cute.

C. was upset that Ally got on the table and ate all the peanut butter out of his cup.

He was making a funny face while crying.

He also rocks when he's tired, nervous, or upset.

So, here....he's crying and upset.

It's an interesting picture, no?

Also note:  he dressed himself this morning.

A (close to) record high day today, and my boy comes down in (too short) jeans and a turtle neck.

Then he got over the peanut-butter-incident-of-May 24, and decided to place some pretzel rods above his ears.

"Mommy, take a picture of me!"

Ok.

This deserves a picture. 

Our basement floor clean. (and vacuumed, I might add!)

The couch void of laundry waiting to be folded.

(It's folded, in a laundry basket waiting to be brought upstairs. hehe!)

Never mind the pile of clothing on the lateral file waiting to be ironed.

Hey....it's progress.

This is my summer strategy for good behavior.

I picked up these jars at Wal-Mart of $3.97 each.

(by the way, the EXACT same jar is $5.99 at Meijer!)

I wrote chores and fun activities on the back of post-it notes so the sticky side would keep

the papers folded neatly.

Pink ones have chores such as:  sweep the kitchen and bathroom floors, dust the furniture in your bedroom, clean the toilets, vacuum the basement, pick up rocks in the yard and bring them to the rock pile, clean out the van, etc.

Our Summer Fun jar will be used as rewards for good behavior and ideas for days we have a free day.  Ideas were taken from this post, my MOPS newsletter (thanks, Ingrid!), and my own imagination.

Some items cost money, some don't.

Blue papers are indoor activities (for rainy days, or lazy days...(calling a spade a spade)).

Green papers are more active and require a nice day out.

Either way, I'm hoping for a fun, memorable summer with the boys.

I wanted to post this.

C. drew this at school during "free time."

I asked him to tell me about it.

He said,

"I drew a picture of Heaven.  See?  Jesus is in blue in the middle, it's very colorful there,

and the streets have gold."

Sigh.

Then....last night I caught A. in a(nother) lie.

I grounded him from all screens for 2 days, and I laid out some sentences for him to write this morning.

When I got out of the shower this morning, he left this in the bathroom for me to find.

(Coincidentally...he wrote it on the BACK of C's Heaven picture- above).

What did I think when I read that?

He used the possessive apostrophe appropriately.

Although we need to work on the correct spelling of "poop*."

And last, (but not least!!!)

I'm at 19 weeks today!

Almost half way done with this pregnancy.  :)

My Dr's appt on Monday went swimmingly, and he upped my weight lifting status since there's been no drama for the last 4 weeks.  I can now lift 20 pounds...max.

Strawberry picking, here we come!

The ultrasound appointment has been set for a few weeks from now-

the boys are EXCITED to go with me.

Sorry for the quality of the picture-

C. has been taking them, and as noted above, he's got an "issue" being still. 

*sorry I talked about poop on my blog.  A. started it.