Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Deer hunting season: 2008.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

The year the words deer hunting made me cringe.

I believe this is the year my in-laws coined the term "Saint Sandy" in regards to my patience level with our living situation in The Love Shack.

Let me preface this by saying that it's been TWO YEARS, and I'm now living to tell the tale with a sort-of-smile on my face.
Ok:  Deer Hunting 2008

After putting the boys to bed, I was working at my computer.

I had heard a critter (scratching, chewing and fluffing fur) in the ceiling over my computer desk in the kitchen.

And, while it was mildly disconcerting, I comforted myself by saying, "Well, at least its contained to the ceiling."

Shortly before bed, the scratching ceased.

So, I went down tot he basement (directly under the kitchen) to go to bed.

Got my jammies on, climbed into my cozy flannel sheeted bed, and closed my eyes for slumber.

Then, I heard a THUD.

Like a thud of something about a pound in weight thunking down on our HVAC ductwork.

Then, nothing.

Closed my eyes to sleep. (again)

Opened them to look at the baby monitor.

I saw a bushy tail silhouette cross in front of the indicator light on the monitor.

This is the point that I tell you that the monitor was on my dresser...which was positioned right next to my side of the bed.

Right next to my head.

Well, crap...

I pulled the sheet over my head (which is my assume-the-position when there's a bat in the house)

And started whispering to myself,
"this is not ok.  this is not ok.  this is not ok."
That's when IT happened:

I felt four paws THUNK right onto my head. (my face, actually)

And, as I'm screaming, the animal (I didn't know what it was yet), scurried down my body between the sheet and the comforter.

Yes, scurried.  Paws, running, bed, sheet, my body.  Scurried.

So, I did what every calm person would do:
I screamed as loud as I could, threw the sheets (with animal somewhere inside) as far and as hard against the brick wall as I could and took the stairs up by 3's- screaming THIS IS NOT OK!!! the whole time.

Figuring that it was contained to the basement, I called my husband and left him a voice mail that when something like this:

So, I laid down on the couch in the living room and tried to catch up on some sleep.

Then I heard it....  chewing.

In the corner of the living room.

Behind my head.

Crap, here we go again.

Then, by the light of the LED of the VCR player, I saw it scurry across the living room floor.  Right past my sleeping 85 pound lab. 

She stayed sleeping.  (Thanks, Molly)

So, I woke the dog, and told her to "Go get it!"

Which resulted in her mohawk getting raised, a lot of barking, and a lot of hiding....

...behind me.

Again, thanks, Molly.

So, I put on my "gotta be a big girl hat" and formulated a plan. 

I opened the front door, opened the screen door, baited the animal with a grape in the middle of the floor.
I grabbed my "extraction equipment" (which consisted of a couch pillow and a fuzzy Elmo Chair).  One in each hand.

Sure enough, that bushy tailed demon emerged from under my couch and took the bait.

At this point, I did what any good hunter would do:  I fanned and flailed that Elmo Chair and that pillow for all it was worth.  With "guard dog" safely BEHIND me.

I showed that animal the EXIT.

It quickly fled out the door.  Apparently, Elmo Chairs are quite scary to a little bushy tailed demon.

By this point in the night, I was so jacked up on adrenaline, I decided to call my husband again.  This voice mail went something like this:

"Hello DEAR.  Yes, I'm calling at TWO FIFTEEN in the morning.  I hope your crazy ringer woke everyone up.  THERE WAS A BUSHY TAILED ANIMAL IN THE HOUSE.  I think it was a squirrel.  I think its gone now.  You're welcome.  Molly was of NO help.  The boys slept through it.  I, on the other hand, YOUR WIFE, will probably never sleep again.  THIS IS NOT OK!  I hope you're having a GREAT time.  GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!  Love you."

He had our bedroom finished in the addition less than 3 months later.  :)


mrsmarkdave said...

Oh.My.Gosh. Laughing hysterically even though I feel your pain. I had another panic attack at the mall on Saturday when I walked past the snake again. This time, though, there was no clinging to the wall involved.
So even though I'm laughing, I know I'd be just as traumatized as you were had it been me.

Mama M. said...


Ha...ha...*snort*...*chuckle*...ahem...*trying to compose myself*...


OH. to the EM. to the GEE. I wish I could've heard those voicemails!

You, my friend...are a trooper.


Kathy said...

Laughing my butt off over here! Oh Sandy, I love ya! And you are right, This is so NOT ok! ;)