Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Facebook Status updates that never happened

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

I'm going to blame it on the extended doldrums of winter that will just not end.

And let you know that it has nothing whatsoever to do with being hormonally charged.

But that last statement may make me a lying liar.

I've learned to steer clear of Facebook during such times.  I've learned that it's hard to bite my tongue control my fingers on the keyboard when I see read questionable choices and character.

But, since it's my blog...and sometimes I need to let off some steam, here you go.

The status updates that never happened.

Feel free to judge.  I'm ok with that.  Because next week(ish) I will be back to normal(ish) and rational again.

  • Yes, please tell me again - with MORE caps and exclamation points this time- how horrible people are that don't fully support the LGBT community.  Because your bully-ism is really making me think "well, this is a community of people with their heads on straight.". (pun intended)

  • Raise your hand if you can't afford your spring break vacation that your currently on: the payment that will follow you via credit card interest for the next 6 years until you claim bankruptcy and affect inflation- so everyone else will end up reaping the consequences of your vacation.  Really, you're only camouflaging the fact that you've made some bad choices in your life.  Please look up counselors, not travel agents.

  • Just because your ex-girlfriend says "hello" to you in passing doesn't mean she wants you.  She was being polite. 

  • You can disagree and be respectful at the same time.

  • Mother Nature, you are dead to me.  (Not posted only because 94% of my Facebook feed is currently weather related).

  • Why, yes... post about your new car.  Oh!  I really enjoy the 12 shots of different angles that you've posted.  Why didn't you post the loan paperwork as well?  Go ahead and post that bottom line number that says how much you'll have paid at the end of your 6 year loan.  Then we can all have a good laugh.

  • When did Easter become more about the full basket and less about the empty tomb?

  • My daughter broke my toe (insert gross picture here)- I saved that one for twitter.  Facebook friends, be grateful.

  • How many times can one baby poop?  In one hour?

  • I can't tell you the last time I showered.
  • Let's see how many selfies one can post in one day....  OH- and there's another.

  • Please.... for the love of all that is good and holy, please-no more duck face.

  • My daughter laughs at farts.  I laugh at her laughing at farts.  Apparently, laughing IS contagious.

  • If you post pictures of yourself scantily clad in a bathing suit (or Speedo... ugh), be prepared for backlash and/or unfriending.  No one needs to see "LOOK AT ME- man" (or woman).  Are you aware that you are potentially making people nauseated- or turning them on?  You know... people that AREN'T your spouse?!?!?

  • You can choose one: be a part of the solution or a part of the problem.  Choose wisely.

  • Just found a sticker in my daughter's diaper.  A sticker than had gone through the digestive tract.  I'll spare you the picture.  You're welcome.

And thanks to this blog post, I just saved myself $50 in therapy or prescription money for Prozac.  Thanks, friend!