Tuesday, August 17, 2010

In which I rant, and almost swear, but didn't bite....at least, not today.

There is a person in my life. 

Actually, there are 5 people like this in my life...at some stage of the game.

I really really really don't like this person.

I don't want to be around this person.  At all.

I don't want to be touched, talked to, nudged...NOTHING by this person.

And every year, I end up seeing this person multiple times.

I've put forth a galliant effort to avoid this person at all costs.

Everyone encourages me to see this person.

I hate that.

It's a conspiracy.....he's got everyone on his side.

If I don't, I'm risking a social issue.

I really, really, really don't like this person.

And to top it all off....

I flippin' pay this person to see me.

These archaic, horrible, barbaric things done to me in their presence...

...are flippin' PAID for!!!

And they're expensive too!

Who is this person, you ask?

Who is this awful, horrible, needs-to-fall-off-the-face-of-the-Earth person?

The dentist.

Even writing it makes me feel all kinds of yuck.

It started when I was young. 

My first dentist was about 80 years old, and I had horrible nightmares about him after I saw "Nightmare on Elm Street" for the first time. 

The second one tried magic to ease my nerves, but it was too late.  I was already on to them.  I waited at every appointment for them to haul out their leather gloves donning sharpened knives.  I swear he wore a red striped sweater under his coat every time I was there.

The third.  Yeah.  He liked to drill the "oh, just a little cavity" without Novocaine.  Which kind of makes me think that perhaps there wasn't a real cavity there and he just needed to bill someone.

I bit him.  He kept drilling after I told him to stop.  Actually, it came out like "ooopppp!!  oooowwww!  ooooooo!"  He didn't stop, so I bit him.  Then he got mad at me, so I swore at him.  Yes, I did.  See?  They bring out the worst in me!!!

The fourth, well, he work Hawaiian shirts.  Which was nice.  But he still had a freak load of picks and machinery from the turn of the century waiting for the screamers in the back room.

I threw up on him.  He got me all worked up, and I threw up.  Another time, the hygienist was picking and picking at the same spot.  I asked her (kindly) to move on and she didn't.  So, I pushed her (gently) out of my mouth, announced that the appointment was over and dropped the alligator clips at the front desk on my way out.  There was a purple star on my chart in this office.

And that brings us to the one I saw today.  The one that filled my mouth with numb-er, shots, drills, composite material....blech.

This one made me leave looking like a stroke victim.  And since I was in a post adrenaline-rush stupor, I thought it was fitting to go to Kohl's to spend my Kohl's cash.  Yes, cause I make the best decisions after a trauma like that.  (Yes, trauma)

And of all people, I wouldn't run into my sister in law and niece and nephew there...slurping up my drool.  Nope.  So, when my husband asks me why I debited the $14.86 today, I am going to tell him that the fricking dentist made me do it, and to take it up with him.

His appointment is next week.


mrsmarkdave said...

Part of me laughs at this. Only the "the dentist made me do it" part.
Although I'm not afraid of the dentist, I feel for you and don't think it's funny at all.

I LOVE that you bit the dentist and then got up and left in the middle of the appointment with the hygienist. LOVE IT!!!!!

Ma What's 4 dinner said...

I'm laughing because I totally thought you were going to say the gyno! HA!!!

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner

Kimberly said...

I was so scared for you! :-) I thankfully don't have this problem...but I imagine if you don't like it you don't like it! Saw you on blog frog and I'm following you now!!! ~Kimberly


The Mama said...

I am literally terrified of the dentist. I have an appt today, which is funny that I stumbled upon your blog today. I hate hate hate going!! Good luck at your appt!

Ron Cooper said...

Sandy, Hi!

Already following you! Now posting inspiring messages on my new Facebook fan page. Check it out below:


Kristi said...

Hi. Found you on the Mckmam's list. Your reference to sarcasm seduced me. I love sarcasm. (I have to control it on my blog.) I go to the dentist next week to have TWO (count 'em) TWO crowns put in. I've not had a lot of bad experiences, but I can certainly sympathize! Look forward to following you. :-)

Elle said...

Hilarious post. My best friend just became a dentist and she is one of the most beautiful people, inside and out, that I know. I can't imagine one of her patients feeling the way you do about your dentist. Visiting from the blog frog. CleverlyChanging.com

Rachel said...

I hate going to the dentist too. In fact, I avoid it so much, its been several years since I've seen him (I know!!). I don't understand why its necessary to remind me everytime I go that my teeth have major problems...